Out with the old, in with the new
Filed Under Tips & Tricks | June 25, 2008
In this month’s column Sharon Selby, a local child counsellor, and the brains behind Phonics Wizard, talks parenting based on encouragement rather than fear and compares the way things were with the way they’re going:
“A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water” – Rudolph Dreikurs
The last generation has experienced a shift in parenting methods which can sometimes cause confusion. Research is showing that parenting based on encouragement and attachment is much more effective in the long term than parenting based on fear and punishment which creates short term compliance but long term emotional damage.
Old
Fear: Children behaving for fear of being spanked or beaten which simultaneously gives them the message that physical aggression is okay.
Yelling: Children behaving for fear of being emotionally wounded or being paralyzed by the anxiety this causes them.
Punishment: Taking away all privileges, locking children in their bedroom, thus creating a disconnected parent-child relationship
Shaming and Threatening: “I told you so”, “You do as you’re told or you’ll have no play-dates for a month” – children’s self-esteem is eroded as they lose trust in themselves.
New
Attachment: Children behaving because they have a strong relationship with their parents and want to please them.
Setting limits in a calm and consistent manner: Children behaving because they realize there are boundaries and they can’t push their parents’ buttons because it doesn’t work.
Positive reinforcement and incentives: Giving children extra attention for appropriate behaviours and creating an incentive program for extra motivation (ie. A marble jar: make a line of coloured tape around a glass jar and pre-determine a family activity or an incentive for your child(ren). Each time your child(ren) exhibit the behaviour they are working on, they earn a marble that goes in the marble jar. As soon as the line is reached, the treat is earned!).
Giving Choices and Natural Consequences: Children learn from their own decisions. Children develop self-control and self-discipline. Children learn to take responsibility for their mistakes.
For more info on positive parenting practices here are some excellent books that we’d recommend:
How to Behave so Your Children Will Too! by Sal Severe, Ph.D
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate (also available in DVD from www.gordonneufeld.com)
Sharon Selby, B.Ed., M.A., is a local child counsellor. She is the author of The Phonics Wizard Reading Series: a learn-to-read program for parents to teach their own children early literacy skills for ages 2-7.
4 Responses to “Out with the old, in with the new”
Leave a Comment
Let us know what you think or share your great finds with us so we can share them with other Vancouver mothers!
I think it’s great that you’re highlighting the harm that comes from using punishment with our children. Even with decades worth of research showing that it’s a harmful way to discipline children, it’s still disturbingly prevalent.
Where I think this article is misguided is in its support of positive reinforcement, incentives, and the like. The same body of research that sanctions against punishment (including time-outs), also argues against reward systems. Essentially, rewards and punishments function in the very same way; they teach our children that they are loved only when they please us.
Even Gordon Neufeld, whose book you site, maintains that praise and incentive programs like your marble jar, work to erode the all-important attachment between children and their care-givers.
I encourage you to take a more careful read of Neufeld’s writing, as well as the writing of other experts that are leading this new parenting movement, like (my personal favourite) Alfie Kohn. Then, write about it again here! It would be great for all yoyomama subscribers (and their kids) to benefit from this information.
Dear Theresa,
Thank you for your feedback on my article, “Out with the Old, In with the New”. I appreciate your comments re: praise and rewards, and if you are finding that you are having great success parenting without praise and rewards then I fully support you.
For many children and families, this is not always the case. It is often difficult to motivate some children instrinsically and there is a lot of research written about rewarding these children externally first before they can become intrinsically motivated. I have seen Alfie Kohn and Gordon Neufeld speak and have great respect for both of them. In my experience, there are benefits to focussing on incentive programs and praise (as well as encouragement) especially when a family is already in a pattern of focussing on punishment and negative behaviours. In adult life, there are many instances where external motivation is used such as pay cheques, bonuses, praise etc. and there are many adults who go to work for the pure enjoyment of it. I believe it is important for each family to figure out what style works best for them in their context.
Sincerely,
Sharon Selby
Thanks for your response, Sharon. I’d be very interested in reading the research you mention. Can you provide sources? You seem to imply that providing external rewards will foster intrinsic motivation, yet all the studies I am familiar with indicate the very opposite. Rewards have been shown repeatedly to extinguish intrinsic motivation over time, and forcing intrinsic motivation to develop is simply not possible. While rewards may be effective at producing temporary compliance (something very different than motivation), they are ineffective at producing long-term changes in behaviour.
That said, let’s take for granted for a moment that Skinnerian-style behaviour modification is beneficial for some people some of the time. Even if there are advantages to using incentive programs for some families, like those that have habitually used punishments in the past, why make blanket recommendations in your original article? Why assume your readership is made up of these special cases? Why focus on the exception, rather than the rule?
Further, even if moving from punishments to rewards could be seen as a step in the right direction, why not encourage parents to aim for best practices rather than a modicum of improvement. There are resources available to help parents manage even the most difficult challenges with their children without resorting to punishment and rewards. Examples include the website http://thinkkids.org/parents and the writings of Dr. Ross Greene.
Incidentally, I have not read Sal Severe’s book, but I followed the link you provided to learn more about his work. I was surprised to read that he actually advocates for the use of punishment! It seems the two books you recommend are diametrically opposed to one another.
Very interesting comments. I really struggle with the idea of focusing just on rewards and not teaching children that there are consequences for their actions. I don’t mean hitting kids but using methods like time outs and removing privileges are important disciplinary tools. There are so many children that now think they are entitled to treats, stuff and later on jobs with good pay, widescreen tvs etc who really have no sense of what it takes to earn them.
I am a fairly easygoing parent but feel strongly that there must be boundaries and consequences for bad behaviour as well as rewards such as hugs and smiles and even treats occasionally for good behaviour. Otherwise, we raise children who are not prepared for the real world, who may not have much of a moral compass and who have a sense of entitlement to rewards rather than a sense of confidence in their own ability to make their way in life. There must be balance.
I don’t believe in reading too much as we all have good instincts and should rely on those as well as our common sense. Tools, tips and strategies from those who have experienced parenting are welcome. Theories are just that.